I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
