so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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