I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
