apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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