I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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