you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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