we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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