P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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