Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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