i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
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