How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
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