I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
