Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
