That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
