When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
