i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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