you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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