she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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