Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
