do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
So vagazzling was a success
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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