I just saw a hot homeless man
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
The power of my boobs compel you
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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