yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
