1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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