i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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