I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
