just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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