Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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