I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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