I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
my shit smells like andre
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
