his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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