1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
