The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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