Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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