Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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