Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
