I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
