he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
