I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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