Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
