Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
