I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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