i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
