im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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