After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
