3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
