I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Randomize
