jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
