the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
