He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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