You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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