you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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