Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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