Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
